Its been hectic.

It has been very hectic lately.... I was eating very well and even wrote down and was counting calories for a week... and then I guess I let the non-routine aspect sink in and it just got shoved to the side.

I spent a lot of time organizing and planning for my birthday (September third in Vegas) and studying for finals, and taking care of my pregnant kitty cat who has 4 kittens on the 6th of september.

BUT I did actually go to the gym, with my boyfriend, he actually made the appointment after he saw my eating habits take a dive... So we did go to the gym right before vegas, and we just got settled back at home and now I am taking care of kittens, but we went and have been discussing the options since.

I think health has become a very big topic lately, as my boyfriend whom is 27 now thinks he is losing his hair... I feel stress and bad diet are the common denominators for him to be losing his hair, but I am not completely to sure....

So, friday we have decided to meet with or schedule a time to meet with the woman that gave us the tour, and discuss enrollment, as we do want to suceed, and it is increasingly apparent that I find I stay strong and motivated for the first couple weeks, then........ well.... I continue to restart.

So lets get the ball rolling... again.... I say.

I am supposed to be happy right?

So over the past 12 days I said I was going to do a lot of things, I made great attempts but ultimately an EPIC FAIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My boyfriend keeps rescheduling our appointment to met with the gym, I knew I should have never gotten him involved in this, hes is just a big fat sabotager.

My best friends and I have been planning my 21st birthday party in Vegas, which I should be happy about right? NO. My best girlfriend Kayla just got engaged.... so now everything is not about my birthday, it is about her wedding. Within the first 24 hours, 24 HOURS!!!!! she had picked a date, started a guest list, has me as the maid of honor and has another bridesmaid so far, and has found a dress.

Now many of you are probably thinking "Wow that's great, less to do, she is being proactive" oh oh oh how you have been deceived. She is going to be the worst bridezilla ever. She has totally averted all of her attention onto her wedding, screw my birthday, its alllllll about her wedding. The dress she found, mind you she has ALWAYS wanted a NON fluffy dress, that is a halter top, and when she asked me, I told her I want a fluffy dress, with a corset lace up back, she thinks its ugly, the dress she picked out, IS THE EXACT DRESS I WANT, SHE SAID THREE MONTHS AGO LOOKED UGLY.

Not to mention the fact that I want to be super selfish because its my 21st birthday party, and I haven't ever really had a fantastic birthday party so yeah I want this one to be AMAZING. and it is turning out as a disaster.

I have to plan everything and anything for it, I had to book the hotel. EVERYONE wants to go.... no one wants to do the foot work with me.

God I am so pissed off. like beyond angry.

I guess I am hurt that my best friend is totally dedicating all her time to her wedding WHICH IS LIKE 479 DAYS AWAY, AND MY BIRTHDAY IS 14 DAYS AWAY!

Yes, 479 days away, she counted.... and has posted it on myspace and facebook as such: "14 days until Vegas, 479 days till my wedding!"

god I just want to move away without any of them and just start over.

I guess the only good thing is, is I have still stuck semi in the mind set of eating 3 meals a day, making veggies a big part, and have been looking for a system to write my calories down every day.

I feel like everything is an epic fail at this point, my boyfriend for being completely nonsupporting in EVERYTHING it seems like, God I have become so lazy (I started my homework for my class like tow hours before class and what do you know i wasn't done so his solution, well just write it this weekend and go next week) wow way to help out the procrastinator.

My best friend Kayla for being a controlling asshole bitch! excuse my language but It needed to be said. She is totally avoiding my birthday and plotting her wedding to an idiot who cant hold a job like ever. Ugh!

Myself because I am the damn loser who lets all these behaviors happen and I just sit there and take it. I cant even get in any one's face about paying me back the money for the hotel.

(although my anger just sparked me to tell Kayla I want her half by tomorrow, and her response that I can pick it up tonight)

GOD I AM SO TIRED OF THIS WAY OF LIFE.

I am surrounded by people who get excited for me and help me the first.... maybe week at the most, and then its "Oh lets pick something up real quick"- my mother, "God I am so hungry I really want some pizza, BUT I'M BEING GOOD" -My boyfriend.


I cook, I cooked for days pre portioning meals, freezing them etc......... IF and i do mean only IF I personally package both their lunches, they just don't eat until they come home.


I can def finitely see, that I am %100 in this by myself. and that is the most depressing part because I have been blogging for a monthish maybe more maybe less, and I have been dragging my feet hoping that I could have some sort of support at home to consciously push me to do this with someone else, that I would do this and be motivated and blog every day and it would be great....

But I can see that is never going to happen and that's what scares me,because for some damn reason I get lazy and can't do it alone. I want to more than ANYTHING, why can't I? Why can't I write my calories down, WHY can't I go to the gym by myself, WHY do I want someone else's help? why do I want someone else to be doing this with me.

Can I just stand in my closet and scream.

the only good thing that has happened this past week or 12 days... I interviewed for a law firm, and I really want to get it. we will see what happens.

Pure Fitness

Ok, so I am very pleased to announce that I am still doing great with food. I am making healthier meals, I even have cooked up a bunch to just thaw and go. I also researched some local gyms, and printed "try before you buy" temp passes, and to my surprise, my boyfriend Matt wanted to get a pass aswell, so we are going to get up early tomorrow and hopefully go down and try the gym out, take a tour, find prices, and actually see if we like that particular facility.

My birthday planning has been stressing me out so much! with the fact that Matt may not be able to go, he is frustrated because its my 21st birthday and I will be in vegas with my two best friends.

I plan on getting an acurate scale to weight in, because I am going to do this. I am not going to half ass this anymore.

Strides forward

I have been doing pretty well lately. I have been trying as much as possible to make healthier choices in food, and focusing on not letting my emotions control when I eat. I have even been planning healthier dinners for the others in my household whom agreed to try it for a couple weeks. This week I am going to the amazing fruit and veggie market and am going to try and find more green veggies to incoorporate into my meals. I love broccoli, but not much else... I can eat cucumber in salads or even to snack.... spinach I am not really sure about.... love peas.... cant do artichoke or asparagas, (never had them now that I think of it) But I know that green veggies when I do eat them seem to give me a jolt, so I want to keep eating the greens as much as possible. I have been looking into how many calories I should be eating also, but I know I have drastically cut what I have been eating down a lot.

This next month is going to be hectic, I have to move, YUCK, and school is getting rough.

But I do see that I am making small steps towards jumping the band wagon and getting going, which is a plus. I am excited because a lot of the junk food is out of my fridge, which means i can finally grab really good healthy things. I have noticed that whole wheat pasta fills you up SOOOO much faster than normal pastas I have been eating, and it tastes the same! I am having a bit of a rough time getting recipes together, but I guess that will come with time also.

now all i need to do is get a scale, which i think I am actually borrowing from a friend, and pick my weigh in day and start adding more time to being active!

Boyfriend doesnt understand why losing weight is hard!?!

You would think that the man you have been with for 3 years and who knows the real you, would be able to comprehend why losing weight and being in a house full of not-so-healthy food is hard... HA! Fat chance no pun intended.

My boyfriend and I had an all out brawl, that ended in tears (mine). I lightly trudged upon how hard it is for me to NOT eat something swet at night, and for him to (that morning) make me the biggest breakfast EVER (Eggs, bacon, sausage, biscuits, gravy, country fried steak, chocolate iced doughnut holes, hashbrowns, oj, and apple juice) so I would have 'variety' was sweet.... But was not helping me fight my food cravings to eat unhealthy.

He doesn't understand WHY it is hard for me to be cooking for 3 other people, like philly cheese steaks because thats what they brought home, and for me to not eat it. NO I DO NOT WANT TO STAND AROUND AND COOK MYSELF A SEPERATE MEAL EVERYDAY!

He has no clue. As I mentioned before in my previous posts I have always been a very willed person, I have overcome a lot... This is so hard for me.

The eating somethign sweet at night is illing me, I tried to NOT eat something sweet, I DID NOT SLEEP AT ALL.... I felt like it, my eyes closed, I tossed and turned all night... Not thinking about it.... just.... couldnt sleep...

I NEED HELP WITH THIS.

I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO.

So I tried to reach out to my boyfriend whom has always been resourcefull, and he had no advice for me other than "Don't eat it, just go to bed, eat some broccoli" he just had no clue.

I don't know if I am crazy or what, but what the hell! Why can't he be supportive! I don't want him to go on a diet unless he wants to, but when he tells me in the begining ten days ago he would, and then he eats like crap still...


what can I do to help him understand?

Obviously my tears, and my explanations are not enough... what now?!?!?!

Before the start goals

I managed to read the comments on my previous blog, and kind of boost my spirtis a little. I really appreciate the comments, they were very encouraging, and made me re-think the way that I am doing this.

I took this weekend, and did it one day at a time. I handled things that I had been meaning to do for ages, and focused on not eating when I was bored or stressed, and paying attention to what I was eating.

So before I start dieting, I am going to take things slow and do them one at a time. Ill do the gym first, then get a home scale, along with working in food measurments etc. add things when I can.

Monday I was going to meet with the gym people to discuss memberships which I have looked into that whole Pure Fitness $10 a month yay!!! program....

No.

You have to pay a BUNCH of money up front, where as their standard $23 a month plan, over a year is like 4-6 dollars more expensive... so if you want to save 4 dollars, but have to fork over $100 + or more, awesome, if you can't afford that (like me) the $60 ish down and the $23 a month plan is for you.

needless to say I have researched the gym, I wanted to take a tour and everything but I had to get a bank account going so I can stop spending all the cash I have scrounged to save for my europe trip, which took me until literally 5. It was insane with all my other errands.

Anyways....

I along with my boyfriend, are going to meet with the gym people later today (Wednesday) and hopefully... I will come out with a gym membership, we will see.

Thank you to the 4 followers I have that follow, me, just you 4 reading, maybe not even commenting, but just knowing you read this, makes me feel like I have to be honest, and makes me feel supported! thanks for all your encouraging words thus far!

I guess it gets a whole lot worse before it gets better....

so it has been 10 days. 10 days since i posted.

I was under the impression i would rock this diets socks off.

yeah..... no. the first few days i kicked ass! i owned it, i was reading biggest loser books, i was eating really good....

and then it all went to shit.


i can see the exact defining moment.... i was presented with french mints, a type of gourmet chocolate truffle mint which is amazing. i said 'oh i can work 1 in today,' which i did, and it was fine.... before you know it i had 5. Then my roomates lovely encouraging words or 'why are you on a diet the whole hhouse is a walking junk food house' so, then i felt even more like shit. with as excited as i was to begin, i had just dropped $260.00 on groceries, and couldnt bear to waste it.

so then i decided to take my best friend on his invitation to discuss our europe trip and to have dinner together.... so we go over, and we purchase the items to make roman style chicken. we danced in the kitchen to french music, which i felt so pretty to.... and ate, and laughed and smiled, and i realized how bad i wanted this again...

i planned to buy a new camera since i need one anyways to document what i eat... maybe that would help? or join a gym and get a personal trainer, in hopes that that would help.....

none of that have i done. my discouragement has taken over. part of me wants to make exscuses and say 'well when my refridgerator is emptyed ill buy healthy stuff and be ok' or 'im taking my time to make sure i can get to the gym'

but really im just hiding like i have my whole life. I feel super emo today because someone who has been hitting on me for the past two months non stop besically called me fatt, fatty, fatt ass all in the span of like 40 minutes. and what did i do?!?! a big fat nothing.

i cried.

so i have decided, that i am going to restart, but i am going to do it right. i am going to re-read things to know what my calorie intake should be, im going to get a working scale, and food measuring scale..... and god damn it i am atleast going to go down and talk to the gym membership people. i want to do this by tuesday. with all the other stuff dealing with passports that i have to do next week, its only sensible to set a goal before the real stress hitter week comes in.

i even went through my closet this past week and found like 12 pairs of jeans i want to wear again. i have 2 that fit comfortably, that i dont feel like a god damn summer sausage being squeezed to death in. i want to wear my skinnier clothes!

this is the hardest thing i have ever done, and i am not even really begining yet! im so dissapointed in myself for just teasing myself and just doing it for like 4 days then off 3 days then on again.

smoking was easier than this. im lazy. thats what this boils down to, im lazy. i need to figure out if i want this bad enough to put in the effort. i guess its just hard with 3 other people NOT dieting or doing ANYTHING for their health to live in mine.

i also found that night eating is my worst enemy. i get so fucking hungry for something sweet at night it makes me so fucking mad!. i feel it cxoming, and feel everything during.... but there is nothing to curb it. next thing i knew i had a small bowl full of homemade buttercream frosting in my hands.... ya know whats in that?! eggs...... other stuff..... 3 POUNDS OF REAL BUTTER!! i didnt eat more than a couple spoons, but still. eating veggies for snacks is grwatm if it would fill me up!

ugh i need help.

i want to feel full and to curb this ungodly nightly obsession with sweets....

so emotionally broken and beaten, here i stand. fatter than ever. desperate for a change.

someone once told me 'when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of changing, you will change' how bad does feeling like this hurt? am i ready?!

can i really do this?

This is officially hard.

This post is kind of an admittance to myself that this whole beginning to weight loss is really hard. I have a huge issue with late night eating, and I never really been able to tackle it. Today my diet was really awesome! I had 200 calories of rice chex cereal with 1% reduced fat milk, with an apple as a mid day snack. I then had a very large salad with a bunch of veggies, broccoli, cucumber, green beans, Roma tomato, just overall a bunch of good stuff, with carrots and a light raspberry vinaigrette dressing. for dinner, i had some more greens, with carrots and broccoli as a late snack.

I finally told my roommates that I needed them to kind of help me in my efforts and respect the fact that they should not make my favorite foods and eat them 6 inches from my face.

My boyfriend and I were not understanding each other and he didn't understand why this was so difficult for me, because I have quit smoking cold turkey for over a month now, and I quit cutting myself, which I did when I was a young teenager, and just over came a lot of junk in my life, so this was hard for him to understand. Once we got on the same page and he realised how much this meant to me things got better from there. He is actually supporting me and encouraging me now to spend the cash and get a gym membership.

I have decided I need to work on my diet. I am still not sure weather counting calories, or doing weight watchers points is the best options... if anyone has input that would be great!

Starting weight correction!

So, I know I put that I am starting my diet at 330, but that is false. I have recently weighed myself and I am actually 312.

I was 330 in the begining of June, and my boyfriend went into the hospital and had two surgeries, and I lived there with him for 9 days. I often did forget to eat and cry all the time, I almost lost him three times. So I am assuming I dropped some weight in the hospital with him, none the less, I am going to start at 312, and weigh in every sunday.

I also added another motivating factor to why I am doing this. This december, my boyfriend and I along with my best friend and his boyfriend as taking a trip to europe, and it has been my life long dream to go to paris. I have wanted this more than anything in my life, and I really want more than anything to be thinner than I am now, that way I can not be as self concious in paris as I am here.

I hate swimming, and I wear baggy t-shirts and jeans usually. Yeah sure I dress up occasionally, and when I want to feel girly wear nicer shirts... But then I see myself and I feel so.... gross. Like I did this to myself and there is nothign that can be done. I have overcome a lot in my life, and I want this to be one of the greatest things that I have overcome. I used to be a cutter, as in I used to self-harm, and last month it has been 4 years since I last hurt myself. Today has been one full month and ten days sincem y boyfriend and I have quit smoking.

I feel that I have been so strong when I felt so broken, that this should be no sweat... I am just a very critical person and get discouraged easily, I just want so bad for me not to fail this time...

The past few days...

So these past couple of days, I have been really focusing on trying to eat better and get up early in the morning to workout. I have been in love with this wii Active game. It has been such a great tool for me to use. two days ago, was the first day that I really hit it hard. I wanted to push myself as hard as I could, to kind of prove to myself that I could in fact do this. I did great! just two weeks ago when I tried the game at first, it was really hard, and I skipped atleast half of the exersises, this time I even ran! (In place mind you. but hey its still counts!)

As hard as it was, and as much as I pushed myself, I was more proud at the fact that I did it! I completed all the activities. in the past three days including today, I worked out twice (I skipped today because I am so sore) and finished all the exersises. It is so amazing to do them all, and know that yes, it was har,d but you did it! To put the icing on the cake, I had soooo much energy! I was like off the walls, I did dishes, laundry, floors, counters, organized things, it was amazing. I burned over 600 calories, but from the reviews I was reading online, the calories usually are double that you burn comparing to heart monitors and stuff, so that could be 1200 calories!

Yesturday I went to lunch with Cole, my best friend, and I thought that no matter what I would be ok, get something light... Man that was difficult. I am still so new at this. I did pretty decent I got a grilled chicken wrap, and ate half thats it.

Today I woke up super early and went to this amazing market in AZ. I got a cart full of fruits and veggies for $30! My mom and I went, havent spent time with her in a long time, and I told her about my goals to lose weight and better my life. She does support me she says... But she bought soooo much chocolate. She bought these french mints which I fell in love with when I was 6. I know she did not mean to completely throw that at me, but i ended up eating some. It was as if I was myself like two weeks ago, just piggin out not caring.

I am also very afraid I am going to get discouraged... I bought the biggest loser book and a special tips and tricks book, and a workout dvd by them, and plan that if my roomate is gone tomorrow then I will work out. (Lord knows I dont want to be doing it in front of him) Which is another reason why I feel that I should just get the money and spend it on a gym membership.

I was so motivated when I was at the gym. My personal trainer was amazing! and he pushed me and I lost 36 lbs. then he got a different job, and I felt... I guess like he gave up on me... no other trainer was the same, they gave in when I said I can't, he never did. So I gave up on myself...

Hopefully this time would be better.

Reasons to lose the weight!

I want to remember the way this feels.... the way that every bit of this feels. I had the most unpleasant experience ever recently... I was selected to be a bridesmaid for a good friend whom I introduced her to her hubby, so I felt kind of obligated to do this.

I did not know all that was involved with being a bridesmaid.... I mean come on I thought wooo a bridal party whoopty doo... boy was I wrong

I had never been more humiliated in my whole life. First dress shopping was madness, I was shopping with two girls that were size 2 and size 10. OH MY GOD! I was a tight 24.

How mortifying! I had to drive two hours away to get my dress. I was so mortified already and it was not even close to the wedding.And then.... after getting dressed and going through with the wedding... a website was sent out with all the wedding pics posted, everyone and even people that didn't attend received this website, even people I was in high school with! and this is the picture that just made me re-think everything, and break down into tears...

there it is... thats me all of me. over 300 lbs. god how did i let myself get this fat?

Since then... I have been so... down and so... I am not even sure how to describe it.. .I have never really seen myself as looking like that, a stuffed sausage basically... with spanx and everything!

I just.... I need to change.. I want to be healthy, I want to go to the gym, I want a healthier life style for myself. For a change I am tired of letting my laziness and my emotions eat the best of me....

It is my time to shine.

Here we go...

OK so this is my very first time doing something like this, and I am soooo nervous to do this.

I have been reading and reading online blogs for sooo long about weight loss, and weight watchers, and all the inspirational stories of people who just sat down, and did it.

I always wonder 'man I wish I could actually do that... I mean really do that, lose weight' well... now I am sick of wondering why me, WHY NOT ME?!

So my plan for the time being since I can not afford a gym just yet, I am going to watch what I eat for now, and I got a great new game called Active for the wii, which is actually a very very good program... It was a bit discouraging the first time I played it, it was harder than anticipated.... I could not run AT ALL, and it starts with a run, to get your heart going... I think the more that I focus, and the harder I try and the more I make an effort to do these things, I think hopefully it will start paying off.

So to start with some goals for tomorrow I guess....

I am going to go swimming and do some laps in the pool tomorrow, and definitely play the Wii Active game tomorrow and try my hardest to get through a full workout. Hopefully to kind of spice up my cardio routine, or lack there of since I cant do anything, the pool will be my way to ease into my weight loss. Ugh I am so frustrated with how heavy I am... I am 20 years old and the fattest I have EVER been...

I really am nervous about not having any support. As some of my friends are just 'comfortable' with being bigger girls... I am not comfortable anymore... each year the sizes go up, the less and less that I can do. Its so embarrassing not to be able to buy clothes off the rack, and when I do its at two specific stores and they are super expensive.

I guess I just....

I am so over it! I am tired of being lazy. That is the bottom line! I am for the first time in my entire life, really going to try this.

My reasons for losing weight

I want to shop at normal stores
I want to feel comfortable in my own skin
I want to know what it is like to jog, or run
I want to be able to go do things! active things!
I want to look beautiful on my wedding day
I want more than anything to play with my kids
I want to change my life for the better

So, since I got very pumped and decided to this right now, I don't actually have a scale yet... But I know I am at least 330 lbs. I have never even spoken my weight to anyone, I get sick when they weight me for the Dr. god it almost is a liberating experience.

So for my height which is 5 feet 11 inches, I should weight around 179, at the heaviest. so that is my goal... I guess my longer term goal, 151 lbs.... God I want it so bad I can almost taste it.

I should probably make a short term goal... well... I want to lose at least 15 lbs by my birthday, which is September 3rd.

I really hope to find some sort of support, and help along the way... Anyways this hopefully is the first of many of my weight loss journal entries.