I am supposed to be happy right?

So over the past 12 days I said I was going to do a lot of things, I made great attempts but ultimately an EPIC FAIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My boyfriend keeps rescheduling our appointment to met with the gym, I knew I should have never gotten him involved in this, hes is just a big fat sabotager.

My best friends and I have been planning my 21st birthday party in Vegas, which I should be happy about right? NO. My best girlfriend Kayla just got engaged.... so now everything is not about my birthday, it is about her wedding. Within the first 24 hours, 24 HOURS!!!!! she had picked a date, started a guest list, has me as the maid of honor and has another bridesmaid so far, and has found a dress.

Now many of you are probably thinking "Wow that's great, less to do, she is being proactive" oh oh oh how you have been deceived. She is going to be the worst bridezilla ever. She has totally averted all of her attention onto her wedding, screw my birthday, its alllllll about her wedding. The dress she found, mind you she has ALWAYS wanted a NON fluffy dress, that is a halter top, and when she asked me, I told her I want a fluffy dress, with a corset lace up back, she thinks its ugly, the dress she picked out, IS THE EXACT DRESS I WANT, SHE SAID THREE MONTHS AGO LOOKED UGLY.

Not to mention the fact that I want to be super selfish because its my 21st birthday party, and I haven't ever really had a fantastic birthday party so yeah I want this one to be AMAZING. and it is turning out as a disaster.

I have to plan everything and anything for it, I had to book the hotel. EVERYONE wants to go.... no one wants to do the foot work with me.

God I am so pissed off. like beyond angry.

I guess I am hurt that my best friend is totally dedicating all her time to her wedding WHICH IS LIKE 479 DAYS AWAY, AND MY BIRTHDAY IS 14 DAYS AWAY!

Yes, 479 days away, she counted.... and has posted it on myspace and facebook as such: "14 days until Vegas, 479 days till my wedding!"

god I just want to move away without any of them and just start over.

I guess the only good thing is, is I have still stuck semi in the mind set of eating 3 meals a day, making veggies a big part, and have been looking for a system to write my calories down every day.

I feel like everything is an epic fail at this point, my boyfriend for being completely nonsupporting in EVERYTHING it seems like, God I have become so lazy (I started my homework for my class like tow hours before class and what do you know i wasn't done so his solution, well just write it this weekend and go next week) wow way to help out the procrastinator.

My best friend Kayla for being a controlling asshole bitch! excuse my language but It needed to be said. She is totally avoiding my birthday and plotting her wedding to an idiot who cant hold a job like ever. Ugh!

Myself because I am the damn loser who lets all these behaviors happen and I just sit there and take it. I cant even get in any one's face about paying me back the money for the hotel.

(although my anger just sparked me to tell Kayla I want her half by tomorrow, and her response that I can pick it up tonight)

GOD I AM SO TIRED OF THIS WAY OF LIFE.

I am surrounded by people who get excited for me and help me the first.... maybe week at the most, and then its "Oh lets pick something up real quick"- my mother, "God I am so hungry I really want some pizza, BUT I'M BEING GOOD" -My boyfriend.


I cook, I cooked for days pre portioning meals, freezing them etc......... IF and i do mean only IF I personally package both their lunches, they just don't eat until they come home.


I can def finitely see, that I am %100 in this by myself. and that is the most depressing part because I have been blogging for a monthish maybe more maybe less, and I have been dragging my feet hoping that I could have some sort of support at home to consciously push me to do this with someone else, that I would do this and be motivated and blog every day and it would be great....

But I can see that is never going to happen and that's what scares me,because for some damn reason I get lazy and can't do it alone. I want to more than ANYTHING, why can't I? Why can't I write my calories down, WHY can't I go to the gym by myself, WHY do I want someone else's help? why do I want someone else to be doing this with me.

Can I just stand in my closet and scream.

the only good thing that has happened this past week or 12 days... I interviewed for a law firm, and I really want to get it. we will see what happens.

Boyfriend doesnt understand why losing weight is hard!?!

You would think that the man you have been with for 3 years and who knows the real you, would be able to comprehend why losing weight and being in a house full of not-so-healthy food is hard... HA! Fat chance no pun intended.

My boyfriend and I had an all out brawl, that ended in tears (mine). I lightly trudged upon how hard it is for me to NOT eat something swet at night, and for him to (that morning) make me the biggest breakfast EVER (Eggs, bacon, sausage, biscuits, gravy, country fried steak, chocolate iced doughnut holes, hashbrowns, oj, and apple juice) so I would have 'variety' was sweet.... But was not helping me fight my food cravings to eat unhealthy.

He doesn't understand WHY it is hard for me to be cooking for 3 other people, like philly cheese steaks because thats what they brought home, and for me to not eat it. NO I DO NOT WANT TO STAND AROUND AND COOK MYSELF A SEPERATE MEAL EVERYDAY!

He has no clue. As I mentioned before in my previous posts I have always been a very willed person, I have overcome a lot... This is so hard for me.

The eating somethign sweet at night is illing me, I tried to NOT eat something sweet, I DID NOT SLEEP AT ALL.... I felt like it, my eyes closed, I tossed and turned all night... Not thinking about it.... just.... couldnt sleep...

I NEED HELP WITH THIS.

I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO.

So I tried to reach out to my boyfriend whom has always been resourcefull, and he had no advice for me other than "Don't eat it, just go to bed, eat some broccoli" he just had no clue.

I don't know if I am crazy or what, but what the hell! Why can't he be supportive! I don't want him to go on a diet unless he wants to, but when he tells me in the begining ten days ago he would, and then he eats like crap still...


what can I do to help him understand?

Obviously my tears, and my explanations are not enough... what now?!?!?!