Sunday, January 2, 2011


It took me awhile, and I don't think that I was really ready in May.

I guess you have to ultimately break down completely to find your truth and your motivation. I am not sure exactly how it happened...

I moved into my apartment with my Fiancee Matt, in August, moved into a larger apartment due to so many issues in October. Shortly after, I entered a deep depression to the point where I didnt feel like living was an option for me.

I decided to take a walk to think about what was going to happen to me if I didnt get out of this depression. I soul searched so to say, checked the mail and walked home. Laying in bed reading my mail, I found a card advertising for 50 volunteers wanted for a fitness study. it said no experience necessary, free of charge, you get to work out with a personal trainer etc. so I called. within 15 minutes (mind you it was like 11:15 pm) I got a call back and was signed up for this fitness study. I was starting to feel a bit better.

Matt signed up with me, although I know he did it just because it was something that I wanted to do, which is not the way that I wanted things to be. but none the less he had been trying to show his support for me on this journey.

I began the fitness study and LOVED it. The gym is a smaller gym, which granted there are not many overweight people there, but there are several, and there is never anymore than 8 people there, which is awesome! you have complete full reign on the gym and the equipment.

My trainer's name was Jason, he kicked my butt. He got me doing things I never thought I would have done. I weighed in in the middle of october at 340. the heaviest that I have ever been.

Durign the fitness study I got sick, and I did not follow a diet plan, so I ended up at the finale, weighing 344, which was discouraging, but at the same time you only got 1.5 hours a week to work out, 3 days a week, 30 minutes, no cardio, no diet plan, etc. My fat percentage dropped 2 points, so I was gaining muscle and dropping fat, so I didnt get too discouraged.

Then I joined the gym, and paid to work out with Jason again, $15.00 for a 30 minute session, I bought several in advance, best decision ever.

Knowing he was waiting there for ME, every appointment, made the accountability come into play.

He made me a diet plan, and I have tried pretty hard to stick to is, but I still have deeper emotional issues with food, so I do cheat often, but I try to keep it in check.

So Basically, I dropped in total since November 24 lbs. I have not gone to the gym in like a week or so, I am running low on sessions and want to conserve, and I got sick etc etc.

All exscuses I know.

Tomorrow I am joining a local group called "The chub Club" its a bunch of ladies in the legal field I know and their friends and the way it works is everyone pays $50.00, and $5.00 a week if you loose weight, if you gain weight you have to put in $10.00, winner takes all.

I am hoping that will be huge motivation for me, knowing there is so much money on the line. Especially since these ladies drink every Thursday night, which we all know means they're drinking their calories.

Jason is an amazing trainer, I was looking a pound a day for awhile, just wish there wasnt so many hang ups! But I will get there, for the first time in my life my clothes do not fit, they fall off!

Its an amazing feeling, I am so addicted to it.

Matt as a support system however sucks. and I finally got him to admit he was purposely sabotaging me. He was terrified that im goign to get skinny and leave him. He still brings home pizza and junk food, but when I broke down and basically told him that with or without him I will lose this weight and he will not stop me, he kind of realized that he either needs to support me or get the hell out of my way.

So now that I have gotten serious about it, and my schedule will be slowing down at the end of January hopefully I can catch back up on this!

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

New beginings

It has been awhile.

I guess with all the craziness I felt too overwhelmed. But I have finally had my wake up call.

I went to the doctor last year late last year, and becially I have extremely high triglycerides and am on my way to having some form of heart surgery if things don't change.

So that hit me very hard. I have since joined a gym, with my fiance (whom I got engaged to the day before easter 2010) and he has taken a better role in this whole process.

I am now making healthier decisions, and trying my damndest to write what I eat down, I need to find a format that works best for me. I have some books with different nurtitional information to help guide me in what I should be eating and how much I should be eating, so for now, I am consistently trying to make healthier choices and better portion sizes.

For example, my lunch yesturday was a salad with a cup of lettuce mix, cup of spinach, 3 oz of chicken strips, pinch of shredded cheese, half a cup of black beans and light ranch dressing.

With mandarin oranges and garlic califlower.

Salad dressing is one of the hardest things for me, I hate balsalmic vinagarette, and being that I was raised on fat filled ranch, its hard for me to let go of that, I am deffinitely open to trying new ideas if anyone has any dressing recipes that would be great!

Have a camera now, will be posting pics of the way I look now, as well as foods etc.

stay tuned!

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Its been hectic.

It has been very hectic lately.... I was eating very well and even wrote down and was counting calories for a week... and then I guess I let the non-routine aspect sink in and it just got shoved to the side.

I spent a lot of time organizing and planning for my birthday (September third in Vegas) and studying for finals, and taking care of my pregnant kitty cat who has 4 kittens on the 6th of september.

BUT I did actually go to the gym, with my boyfriend, he actually made the appointment after he saw my eating habits take a dive... So we did go to the gym right before vegas, and we just got settled back at home and now I am taking care of kittens, but we went and have been discussing the options since.

I think health has become a very big topic lately, as my boyfriend whom is 27 now thinks he is losing his hair... I feel stress and bad diet are the common denominators for him to be losing his hair, but I am not completely to sure....

So, friday we have decided to meet with or schedule a time to meet with the woman that gave us the tour, and discuss enrollment, as we do want to suceed, and it is increasingly apparent that I find I stay strong and motivated for the first couple weeks, then........ well.... I continue to restart.

So lets get the ball rolling... again.... I say.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

I am supposed to be happy right?

So over the past 12 days I said I was going to do a lot of things, I made great attempts but ultimately an EPIC FAIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My boyfriend keeps rescheduling our appointment to met with the gym, I knew I should have never gotten him involved in this, hes is just a big fat sabotager.

My best friends and I have been planning my 21st birthday party in Vegas, which I should be happy about right? NO. My best girlfriend Kayla just got engaged.... so now everything is not about my birthday, it is about her wedding. Within the first 24 hours, 24 HOURS!!!!! she had picked a date, started a guest list, has me as the maid of honor and has another bridesmaid so far, and has found a dress.

Now many of you are probably thinking "Wow that's great, less to do, she is being proactive" oh oh oh how you have been deceived. She is going to be the worst bridezilla ever. She has totally averted all of her attention onto her wedding, screw my birthday, its alllllll about her wedding. The dress she found, mind you she has ALWAYS wanted a NON fluffy dress, that is a halter top, and when she asked me, I told her I want a fluffy dress, with a corset lace up back, she thinks its ugly, the dress she picked out, IS THE EXACT DRESS I WANT, SHE SAID THREE MONTHS AGO LOOKED UGLY.

Not to mention the fact that I want to be super selfish because its my 21st birthday party, and I haven't ever really had a fantastic birthday party so yeah I want this one to be AMAZING. and it is turning out as a disaster.

I have to plan everything and anything for it, I had to book the hotel. EVERYONE wants to go.... no one wants to do the foot work with me.

God I am so pissed off. like beyond angry.

I guess I am hurt that my best friend is totally dedicating all her time to her wedding WHICH IS LIKE 479 DAYS AWAY, AND MY BIRTHDAY IS 14 DAYS AWAY!

Yes, 479 days away, she counted.... and has posted it on myspace and facebook as such: "14 days until Vegas, 479 days till my wedding!"

god I just want to move away without any of them and just start over.

I guess the only good thing is, is I have still stuck semi in the mind set of eating 3 meals a day, making veggies a big part, and have been looking for a system to write my calories down every day.

I feel like everything is an epic fail at this point, my boyfriend for being completely nonsupporting in EVERYTHING it seems like, God I have become so lazy (I started my homework for my class like tow hours before class and what do you know i wasn't done so his solution, well just write it this weekend and go next week) wow way to help out the procrastinator.

My best friend Kayla for being a controlling asshole bitch! excuse my language but It needed to be said. She is totally avoiding my birthday and plotting her wedding to an idiot who cant hold a job like ever. Ugh!

Myself because I am the damn loser who lets all these behaviors happen and I just sit there and take it. I cant even get in any one's face about paying me back the money for the hotel.

(although my anger just sparked me to tell Kayla I want her half by tomorrow, and her response that I can pick it up tonight)


I am surrounded by people who get excited for me and help me the first.... maybe week at the most, and then its "Oh lets pick something up real quick"- my mother, "God I am so hungry I really want some pizza, BUT I'M BEING GOOD" -My boyfriend.

I cook, I cooked for days pre portioning meals, freezing them etc......... IF and i do mean only IF I personally package both their lunches, they just don't eat until they come home.

I can def finitely see, that I am %100 in this by myself. and that is the most depressing part because I have been blogging for a monthish maybe more maybe less, and I have been dragging my feet hoping that I could have some sort of support at home to consciously push me to do this with someone else, that I would do this and be motivated and blog every day and it would be great....

But I can see that is never going to happen and that's what scares me,because for some damn reason I get lazy and can't do it alone. I want to more than ANYTHING, why can't I? Why can't I write my calories down, WHY can't I go to the gym by myself, WHY do I want someone else's help? why do I want someone else to be doing this with me.

Can I just stand in my closet and scream.

the only good thing that has happened this past week or 12 days... I interviewed for a law firm, and I really want to get it. we will see what happens.

Saturday, August 8, 2009

Pure Fitness

Ok, so I am very pleased to announce that I am still doing great with food. I am making healthier meals, I even have cooked up a bunch to just thaw and go. I also researched some local gyms, and printed "try before you buy" temp passes, and to my surprise, my boyfriend Matt wanted to get a pass aswell, so we are going to get up early tomorrow and hopefully go down and try the gym out, take a tour, find prices, and actually see if we like that particular facility.

My birthday planning has been stressing me out so much! with the fact that Matt may not be able to go, he is frustrated because its my 21st birthday and I will be in vegas with my two best friends.

I plan on getting an acurate scale to weight in, because I am going to do this. I am not going to half ass this anymore.

Monday, August 3, 2009

Strides forward

I have been doing pretty well lately. I have been trying as much as possible to make healthier choices in food, and focusing on not letting my emotions control when I eat. I have even been planning healthier dinners for the others in my household whom agreed to try it for a couple weeks. This week I am going to the amazing fruit and veggie market and am going to try and find more green veggies to incoorporate into my meals. I love broccoli, but not much else... I can eat cucumber in salads or even to snack.... spinach I am not really sure about.... love peas.... cant do artichoke or asparagas, (never had them now that I think of it) But I know that green veggies when I do eat them seem to give me a jolt, so I want to keep eating the greens as much as possible. I have been looking into how many calories I should be eating also, but I know I have drastically cut what I have been eating down a lot.

This next month is going to be hectic, I have to move, YUCK, and school is getting rough.

But I do see that I am making small steps towards jumping the band wagon and getting going, which is a plus. I am excited because a lot of the junk food is out of my fridge, which means i can finally grab really good healthy things. I have noticed that whole wheat pasta fills you up SOOOO much faster than normal pastas I have been eating, and it tastes the same! I am having a bit of a rough time getting recipes together, but I guess that will come with time also.

now all i need to do is get a scale, which i think I am actually borrowing from a friend, and pick my weigh in day and start adding more time to being active!

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Boyfriend doesnt understand why losing weight is hard!?!

You would think that the man you have been with for 3 years and who knows the real you, would be able to comprehend why losing weight and being in a house full of not-so-healthy food is hard... HA! Fat chance no pun intended.

My boyfriend and I had an all out brawl, that ended in tears (mine). I lightly trudged upon how hard it is for me to NOT eat something swet at night, and for him to (that morning) make me the biggest breakfast EVER (Eggs, bacon, sausage, biscuits, gravy, country fried steak, chocolate iced doughnut holes, hashbrowns, oj, and apple juice) so I would have 'variety' was sweet.... But was not helping me fight my food cravings to eat unhealthy.

He doesn't understand WHY it is hard for me to be cooking for 3 other people, like philly cheese steaks because thats what they brought home, and for me to not eat it. NO I DO NOT WANT TO STAND AROUND AND COOK MYSELF A SEPERATE MEAL EVERYDAY!

He has no clue. As I mentioned before in my previous posts I have always been a very willed person, I have overcome a lot... This is so hard for me.

The eating somethign sweet at night is illing me, I tried to NOT eat something sweet, I DID NOT SLEEP AT ALL.... I felt like it, my eyes closed, I tossed and turned all night... Not thinking about it.... just.... couldnt sleep...



So I tried to reach out to my boyfriend whom has always been resourcefull, and he had no advice for me other than "Don't eat it, just go to bed, eat some broccoli" he just had no clue.

I don't know if I am crazy or what, but what the hell! Why can't he be supportive! I don't want him to go on a diet unless he wants to, but when he tells me in the begining ten days ago he would, and then he eats like crap still...

what can I do to help him understand?

Obviously my tears, and my explanations are not enough... what now?!?!?!