so it has been 10 days. 10 days since i posted.
I was under the impression i would rock this diets socks off.
yeah..... no. the first few days i kicked ass! i owned it, i was reading biggest loser books, i was eating really good....
and then it all went to shit.
i can see the exact defining moment.... i was presented with french mints, a type of gourmet chocolate truffle mint which is amazing. i said 'oh i can work 1 in today,' which i did, and it was fine.... before you know it i had 5. Then my roomates lovely encouraging words or 'why are you on a diet the whole hhouse is a walking junk food house' so, then i felt even more like shit. with as excited as i was to begin, i had just dropped $260.00 on groceries, and couldnt bear to waste it.
so then i decided to take my best friend on his invitation to discuss our europe trip and to have dinner together.... so we go over, and we purchase the items to make roman style chicken. we danced in the kitchen to french music, which i felt so pretty to.... and ate, and laughed and smiled, and i realized how bad i wanted this again...
i planned to buy a new camera since i need one anyways to document what i eat... maybe that would help? or join a gym and get a personal trainer, in hopes that that would help.....
none of that have i done. my discouragement has taken over. part of me wants to make exscuses and say 'well when my refridgerator is emptyed ill buy healthy stuff and be ok' or 'im taking my time to make sure i can get to the gym'
but really im just hiding like i have my whole life. I feel super emo today because someone who has been hitting on me for the past two months non stop besically called me fatt, fatty, fatt ass all in the span of like 40 minutes. and what did i do?!?! a big fat nothing.
i cried.
so i have decided, that i am going to restart, but i am going to do it right. i am going to re-read things to know what my calorie intake should be, im going to get a working scale, and food measuring scale..... and god damn it i am atleast going to go down and talk to the gym membership people. i want to do this by tuesday. with all the other stuff dealing with passports that i have to do next week, its only sensible to set a goal before the real stress hitter week comes in.
i even went through my closet this past week and found like 12 pairs of jeans i want to wear again. i have 2 that fit comfortably, that i dont feel like a god damn summer sausage being squeezed to death in. i want to wear my skinnier clothes!
this is the hardest thing i have ever done, and i am not even really begining yet! im so dissapointed in myself for just teasing myself and just doing it for like 4 days then off 3 days then on again.
smoking was easier than this. im lazy. thats what this boils down to, im lazy. i need to figure out if i want this bad enough to put in the effort. i guess its just hard with 3 other people NOT dieting or doing ANYTHING for their health to live in mine.
i also found that night eating is my worst enemy. i get so fucking hungry for something sweet at night it makes me so fucking mad!. i feel it cxoming, and feel everything during.... but there is nothing to curb it. next thing i knew i had a small bowl full of homemade buttercream frosting in my hands.... ya know whats in that?! eggs...... other stuff..... 3 POUNDS OF REAL BUTTER!! i didnt eat more than a couple spoons, but still. eating veggies for snacks is grwatm if it would fill me up!
ugh i need help.
i want to feel full and to curb this ungodly nightly obsession with sweets....
so emotionally broken and beaten, here i stand. fatter than ever. desperate for a change.
someone once told me 'when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of changing, you will change' how bad does feeling like this hurt? am i ready?!
can i really do this?
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3 comments:
Yes, you can. I think the fact that you are really thinking about it, starting to blog, etc. THAT is a good start, isn't it? We've missed you, and started to be a little concerned around here...
I think there is something that 'clicks' or works for each person, eventually. Something is clicking for you as far as your thoughts, gearing up to lose, now some 'plan of attack' or methods need to click. I kind of feel like you might prefer gradual changes and then you may feel less overwhelmed? Are you a big soda or alcohol drinker? I was going to suggest trying to change that to water, water, lots of water. Maybe it is writing down what you eat. Have you ever tried that? But if that is too overwhelming, then lets find another approach.
Are you doing any exercising? That might be another place where you could make a small change. Perhaps a small walk, bikeride, or do a few exercises every single day? Lets concern right now with establishing something you can do every single day. Some kind of change and improvement toward your goal, that you feel you can achieve every single day. Something that seems do-able!
I guess I just feel like that last post showed obviously feeling overwhelmed, and mentioned lots of things that ppl do to lose weight. Just thought it might help you to 'pick one'. Try to focus on a much smaller view to start, maybe? Instead of thinking of the weight loss arsenal, I need to buy this, get this, do this..it is just too much. Some ppl lose without even buying stuff. That can be done too.
I am rooting for you. Would I offend you if I request that you leave foul language out of your blog? I know, it's your blog, but I just thought I would ask.
thanks and I wish you well.
ChrissyS
Thanks for the comment, I do agree with everythign that you have said. I guess I have just been trained to do things certain ways all my life. I was raised never to fo things half way. If I am going to do soemthing, jump in and do it all right away. Which is where the buying thigns, joining gym, getting food scales, measuring cups etc all that comes into playu. It is very frustrating also because I have done this time and time again. The only way I succeeded was when I just threw myself direct full on and changed almost everything. Overwhelmed myself just enough to be consiously always making right decisions and yet still not going insane. I am trying to get back into the swing of things. I guess the same goes for swearing, I have been exposed to it for so long, it is almost routine for me to express myself, I am going to try and make an effort to deffinitely lower that as well. thank you for all the help, I am deffinitely appreciative and look forward, to trying to start off slow to see how that works.
***HUGS***
It is ok and you can do it. I about died for you when you made the comment about your friend or whoever calling you those names. That is exactly what motivated me to finally loose weight. (I've lost about 45 pounds so far.)
for me, I had to learn to love myself and make myself a priority. it sounds hokey, I know...but for years everyone came before me. No more - I am important too. Maybe I don't come first...but I definitely don't come last anymore.
Hang in there. I'm rooting for you.
www.lolafierce.wordpress.com
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