tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-59026954794046615852024-02-07T18:23:07.223-08:00Fatter Than Ever!My struggle to change my life, one pound at a time.Carriehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17678693006705437841noreply@blogger.comBlogger14125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5902695479404661585.post-36983175690141894292011-01-02T12:26:00.000-08:002011-01-02T12:40:15.531-08:00ProgressIt took me awhile, and I don't think that I was really ready in May.<br /><br />I guess you have to ultimately break down completely to find your truth and your motivation. I am not sure exactly how it happened...<br /><br />I moved into my apartment with my Fiancee Matt, in August, moved into a larger apartment due to so many issues in October. Shortly after, I entered a deep depression to the point where I didnt feel like living was an option for me.<br /><br />I decided to take a walk to think about what was going to happen to me if I didnt get out of this depression. I soul searched so to say, checked the mail and walked home. Laying in bed reading my mail, I found a card advertising for 50 volunteers wanted for a fitness study. it said no experience necessary, free of charge, you get to work out with a personal trainer etc. so I called. within 15 minutes (mind you it was like 11:15 pm) I got a call back and was signed up for this fitness study. I was starting to feel a bit better.<br /><br />Matt signed up with me, although I know he did it just because it was something that I wanted to do, which is not the way that I wanted things to be. but none the less he had been trying to show his support for me on this journey.<br /><br />I began the fitness study and LOVED it. The gym is a smaller gym, which granted there are not many overweight people there, but there are several, and there is never anymore than 8 people there, which is awesome! you have complete full reign on the gym and the equipment.<br /><br />My trainer's name was Jason, he kicked my butt. He got me doing things I never thought I would have done. I weighed in in the middle of october at 340. the heaviest that I have ever been.<br /><br />Durign the fitness study I got sick, and I did not follow a diet plan, so I ended up at the finale, weighing 344, which was discouraging, but at the same time you only got 1.5 hours a week to work out, 3 days a week, 30 minutes, no cardio, no diet plan, etc. My fat percentage dropped 2 points, so I was gaining muscle and dropping fat, so I didnt get too discouraged.<br /><br />Then I joined the gym, and paid to work out with Jason again, $15.00 for a 30 minute session, I bought several in advance, best decision ever.<br /><br />Knowing he was waiting there for ME, every appointment, made the accountability come into play.<br /><br />He made me a diet plan, and I have tried pretty hard to stick to is, but I still have deeper emotional issues with food, so I do cheat often, but I try to keep it in check.<br /><br />So Basically, I dropped in total since November 24 lbs. I have not gone to the gym in like a week or so, I am running low on sessions and want to conserve, and I got sick etc etc.<br /><br />All exscuses I know.<br /><br /><br />Tomorrow I am joining a local group called "The chub Club" its a bunch of ladies in the legal field I know and their friends and the way it works is everyone pays $50.00, and $5.00 a week if you loose weight, if you gain weight you have to put in $10.00, winner takes all.<br /><br />I am hoping that will be huge motivation for me, knowing there is so much money on the line. Especially since these ladies drink every Thursday night, which we all know means they're drinking their calories.<br /><br />Jason is an amazing trainer, I was looking a pound a day for awhile, just wish there wasnt so many hang ups! But I will get there, for the first time in my life my clothes do not fit, they fall off!<br /><br />Its an amazing feeling, I am so addicted to it.<br /><br /><br />Matt as a support system however sucks. and I finally got him to admit he was purposely sabotaging me. He was terrified that im goign to get skinny and leave him. He still brings home pizza and junk food, but when I broke down and basically told him that with or without him I will lose this weight and he will not stop me, he kind of realized that he either needs to support me or get the hell out of my way.<br /><br /><br />So now that I have gotten serious about it, and my schedule will be slowing down at the end of January hopefully I can catch back up on this!Carriehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17678693006705437841noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5902695479404661585.post-62915616293572530282010-05-25T13:21:00.000-07:002010-05-25T13:30:03.188-07:00New beginingsIt has been awhile.<br /><br />I guess with all the craziness I felt too overwhelmed. But I have finally had my wake up call.<br /><br />I went to the doctor last year late last year, and becially I have extremely high triglycerides and am on my way to having some form of heart surgery if things don't change.<br /><br />So that hit me very hard. I have since joined a gym, with my fiance (whom I got engaged to the day before easter 2010) and he has taken a better role in this whole process.<br /><br />I am now making healthier decisions, and trying my damndest to write what I eat down, I need to find a format that works best for me. I have some books with different nurtitional information to help guide me in what I should be eating and how much I should be eating, so for now, I am consistently trying to make healthier choices and better portion sizes.<br /><br />For example, my lunch yesturday was a salad with a cup of lettuce mix, cup of spinach, 3 oz of chicken strips, pinch of shredded cheese, half a cup of black beans and light ranch dressing.<br /><br />With mandarin oranges and garlic califlower.<br /><br />Salad dressing is one of the hardest things for me, I hate balsalmic vinagarette, and being that I was raised on fat filled ranch, its hard for me to let go of that, I am deffinitely open to trying new ideas if anyone has any dressing recipes that would be great!<br /><br />Have a camera now, will be posting pics of the way I look now, as well as foods etc.<br /><br /><br />stay tuned!Carriehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17678693006705437841noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5902695479404661585.post-4615551462587282292009-09-09T02:58:00.000-07:002009-09-09T03:04:42.339-07:00Its been hectic.It has been very hectic lately.... I was eating very well and even wrote down and was counting calories for a week... and then I guess I let the non-routine aspect sink in and it just got shoved to the side.<br /><br />I spent a lot of time organizing and planning for my birthday (September third in Vegas) and studying for finals, and taking care of my pregnant kitty cat who has 4 kittens on the 6th of september.<br /><br />BUT I did actually go to the gym, with my boyfriend, he actually made the appointment after he saw my eating habits take a dive... So we did go to the gym right before vegas, and we just got settled back at home and now I am taking care of kittens, but we went and have been discussing the options since.<br /><br />I think health has become a very big topic lately, as my boyfriend whom is 27 now thinks he is losing his hair... I feel stress and bad diet are the common denominators for him to be losing his hair, but I am not completely to sure....<br /><br />So, friday we have decided to meet with or schedule a time to meet with the woman that gave us the tour, and discuss enrollment, as we do want to suceed, and it is increasingly apparent that I find I stay strong and motivated for the first couple weeks, then........ well.... I continue to restart.<br /><br />So lets get the ball rolling... again.... I say.Carriehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17678693006705437841noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5902695479404661585.post-43482438395789125382009-08-20T18:26:00.000-07:002009-08-20T18:51:12.645-07:00I am supposed to be happy right?<span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">So over the past 12 days I said I was going to do a lot of things, I made great attempts but ultimately an <span style="font-size:180%;color:#ff0000;"><strong><em>EPIC FAIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!</em></strong></span></span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">My boyfriend keeps rescheduling our appointment to met with the gym, I knew I should have never gotten him involved in this, hes is just a big fat <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">sabotager</span>. </span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">My best friends and I have been planning my 21st birthday party in <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">Vegas</span>, which I should be happy about right? NO. My best girlfriend Kayla just got engaged.... so now everything is not about my birthday, it is about her wedding. Within the first 24 hours, 24 HOURS!!!!! she had picked a date, started a guest list, has me as the maid of honor and has another bridesmaid so far, and has found a dress.</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Now many of you are probably thinking "Wow <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">that's</span> great, less to do, she is being proactive" oh oh oh how you have been deceived. She is going to be the worst <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">bridezilla</span> ever. She has totally averted all of her attention onto her wedding, screw my birthday, its <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">alllllll</span> about her wedding. The dress she found, mind you she has ALWAYS wanted a NON fluffy dress, that is a halter top, and when she asked me, I told her I want a fluffy dress, with a corset lace up back, she thinks its ugly, the dress she picked out, IS THE EXACT DRESS I WANT, SHE SAID THREE MONTHS AGO LOOKED UGLY. </span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Not to mention the fact that I want to be super selfish <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">because</span> its my 21st birthday party, and I haven't ever really had a fantastic birthday party so yeah I want this one to be AMAZING. and it is turning out as a <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">disaster</span>.</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">I have to plan everything and anything for it, I had to book the hotel. EVERYONE wants to go.... no one wants to do the foot work with me.</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">God I am so pissed off. like beyond angry.</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">I guess I am hurt that my best friend is totally dedicating all her time to her wedding WHICH IS LIKE 479 DAYS AWAY, AND MY BIRTHDAY IS 14 DAYS AWAY!</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Yes, 479 days away, she counted.... and has posted it on <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">myspace</span> and <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8">facebook</span> as such: "14 days until Vegas, 479 days till my wedding!"</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">god I just want to move away without any of them and just start over.</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">I guess the only good thing is, is I have still stuck semi in the mind set of eating 3 meals a day, making veggies a big part, and have been looking for a system to write my calories down every day.</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">I feel like <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_9">everything</span> is an epic fail at this point, my boyfriend for being <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_10">completely</span> <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_11">nonsupporting</span> in EVERYTHING it seems like, God I have become so lazy (I started my homework for my class like tow hours before class and what do you know i <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_12">wasn't</span> done so his solution, well just write it this weekend and go next week) wow way to help out the procrastinator.</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">My best friend <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_13">Kayla</span> for being a controlling asshole bitch! <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_14">excuse</span> my language but It needed to be said. She is totally avoiding my birthday and plotting her wedding to an idiot who cant hold a job like ever. Ugh!</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Myself because I am the damn loser who lets all these behaviors happen and I just sit there and take it. I cant even get in <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_15">any one's</span> face about paying me back the money for the hotel.</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">(although my anger just sparked me to tell <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_16">Kayla</span> I want her half by tomorrow, and her response that I can pick it up tonight)</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">GOD I AM SO TIRED OF THIS WAY OF LIFE.</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">I am surrounded by people who get excited for me and help me the first.... maybe week at the most, and then its "Oh lets pick something up real quick"- my mother, "God I am so hungry I really want some pizza, BUT <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_17">I'M</span> BEING GOOD" -My boyfriend.</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">I cook, I cooked for days <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_18">pre</span> portioning meals, freezing them etc......... IF and i do mean only IF I personally package both their lunches, they just <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_19">don't</span> eat until they come home.</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">I can <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_20">def finitely</span> see, that I am %100 in this <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_21">by myself</span>. and that is the most depressing part because I have been blogging for a <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_22">monthish</span> maybe more maybe less, and I have been dragging my feet hoping that I could have some sort of support at home to <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_23">consciously</span> push me to do this with someone else, that I would do this and be motivated and blog every day and it would be great....</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">But I can see that is never going to happen and <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_24">that's</span> what scares me,because for some damn reason I get lazy and can't do it alone. I want to more than ANYTHING, why can't I? Why can't I write my calories down, WHY can't I go to the gym by myself, WHY do I want someone else's help? why do I want someone else to be doing this with me.</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Can I just stand in my closet and scream.</span><br /><span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS;">the only good thing that has happened this past week or 12 days... I interviewed for a law firm, and I really want to get it. we will see what happens.</span>Carriehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17678693006705437841noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5902695479404661585.post-34718360273389603612009-08-08T22:35:00.000-07:002009-08-08T22:38:27.341-07:00Pure FitnessOk, so I am very pleased to announce that I am still doing great with food. I am making healthier meals, I even have cooked up a bunch to just thaw and go. I also researched some local gyms, and printed "try before you buy" temp passes, and to my surprise, my boyfriend Matt wanted to get a pass aswell, so we are going to get up early tomorrow and hopefully go down and try the gym out, take a tour, find prices, and actually see if we like that particular facility.<br /><br />My birthday planning has been stressing me out so much! with the fact that Matt may not be able to go, he is frustrated because its my 21st birthday and I will be in vegas with my two best friends.<br /><br />I plan on getting an acurate scale to weight in, because I am going to do this. I am not going to half ass this anymore.Carriehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17678693006705437841noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5902695479404661585.post-61157783489437220572009-08-03T15:07:00.001-07:002009-08-03T15:16:12.844-07:00Strides forwardI have been doing pretty well lately. I have been trying as much as possible to make healthier choices in food, and focusing on not letting my emotions control when I eat. I have even been planning healthier dinners for the others in my household whom agreed to try it for a couple weeks. This week I am going to the amazing fruit and veggie market and am going to try and find more green veggies to incoorporate into my meals. I love broccoli, but not much else... I can eat cucumber in salads or even to snack.... spinach I am not really sure about.... love peas.... cant do artichoke or asparagas, (never had them now that I think of it) But I know that green veggies when I do eat them seem to give me a jolt, so I want to keep eating the greens as much as possible. I have been looking into how many calories I should be eating also, but I know I have drastically cut what I have been eating down a lot.<br /><br />This next month is going to be hectic, I have to move, YUCK, and school is getting rough.<br /><br />But I do see that I am making small steps towards jumping the band wagon and getting going, which is a plus. I am excited because a lot of the junk food is out of my fridge, which means i can finally grab really good healthy things. I have noticed that whole wheat pasta fills you up SOOOO much faster than normal pastas I have been eating, and it tastes the same! I am having a bit of a rough time getting recipes together, but I guess that will come with time also.<br /><br />now all i need to do is get a scale, which i think I am actually borrowing from a friend, and pick my weigh in day and start adding more time to being active!Carriehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17678693006705437841noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5902695479404661585.post-42218689315013571102009-07-29T02:03:00.000-07:002009-07-29T02:11:37.222-07:00Boyfriend doesnt understand why losing weight is hard!?!<span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">You would think that the man you have been with for 3 years and who knows the real you, would be able to comprehend why losing weight and being in a house full of not-so-healthy food is hard... HA! Fat chance no pun intended.</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">My boyfriend and I had an all out brawl, that ended in tears (mine). I lightly trudged upon how hard it is for me to NOT eat something swet at night, and for him to (that morning) make me the biggest breakfast EVER (Eggs, bacon, sausage, biscuits, gravy, country fried steak, chocolate iced doughnut holes, hashbrowns, oj, and apple juice) so I would have 'variety' was sweet.... But was not helping me fight my food cravings to eat unhealthy.</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">He doesn't understand WHY it is hard for me to be cooking for 3 other people, like philly cheese steaks because thats what they brought home, and for me to not eat it. NO I DO NOT WANT TO STAND AROUND AND COOK MYSELF A SEPERATE MEAL EVERYDAY!</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">He has no clue. As I mentioned before in my previous posts I have always been a very willed person, I have overcome a lot... This is so hard for me.</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">The eating somethign sweet at night is illing me, I tried to NOT eat something sweet, I DID NOT SLEEP AT ALL.... I felt like it, my eyes closed, I tossed and turned all night... Not thinking about it.... just.... couldnt sleep...</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">I NEED HELP WITH THIS.</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO.</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">So I tried to reach out to my boyfriend whom has always been resourcefull, and he had no advice for me other than "Don't eat it, just go to bed, eat some broccoli" he just had no clue.</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">I don't know if I am crazy or what, but what the hell! Why can't he be supportive! I don't want him to go on a diet unless he wants to, but when he tells me in the begining ten days ago he would, and then he eats like crap still...</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">what can I do to help him understand?</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Obviously my tears, and my explanations are not enough... what now?!?!?!</span>Carriehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17678693006705437841noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5902695479404661585.post-41694270504559235722009-07-29T01:55:00.000-07:002009-07-29T02:02:59.792-07:00Before the start goalsI managed to read the comments on my previous blog, and kind of boost my spirtis a little. I really appreciate the comments, they were very encouraging, and made me re-think the way that I am doing this.<br /><br />I took this weekend, and did it one day at a time. I handled things that I had been meaning to do for ages, and focused on not eating when I was bored or stressed, and paying attention to what I was eating.<br /><br />So before I start dieting, I am going to take things slow and do them one at a time. Ill do the gym first, then get a home scale, along with working in food measurments etc. add things when I can.<br /><br />Monday I was going to meet with the gym people to discuss memberships which I have looked into that whole Pure Fitness $10 a month yay!!! program....<br /><br />No.<br /><br />You have to pay a BUNCH of money up front, where as their standard $23 a month plan, over a year is like 4-6 dollars more expensive... so if you want to save 4 dollars, but have to fork over $100 + or more, awesome, if you can't afford that (like me) the $60 ish down and the $23 a month plan is for you.<br /><br />needless to say I have researched the gym, I wanted to take a tour and everything but I had to get a bank account going so I can stop spending all the cash I have scrounged to save for my europe trip, which took me until literally 5. It was insane with all my other errands.<br /><br />Anyways....<br /><br />I along with my boyfriend, are going to meet with the gym people later today (Wednesday) and hopefully... I will come out with a gym membership, we will see.<br /><br />Thank you to the 4 followers I have that follow, me, just you 4 reading, maybe not even commenting, but just knowing you read this, makes me feel like I have to be honest, and makes me feel supported! thanks for all your encouraging words thus far!Carriehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17678693006705437841noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5902695479404661585.post-48302820756740989802009-07-26T04:24:00.001-07:002009-07-26T04:24:07.908-07:00I guess it gets a whole lot worse before it gets better....so it has been 10 days. 10 days since i posted. <br /><br />I was under the impression i would rock this diets socks off. <br /><br />yeah..... no. the first few days i kicked ass! i owned it, i was reading biggest loser books, i was eating really good....<br /><br />and then it all went to shit.<br /><br /><br />i can see the exact defining moment.... i was presented with french mints, a type of gourmet chocolate truffle mint which is amazing. i said 'oh i can work 1 in today,' which i did, and it was fine.... before you know it i had 5. Then my roomates lovely encouraging words or 'why are you on a diet the whole hhouse is a walking junk food house' so, then i felt even more like shit. with as excited as i was to begin, i had just dropped $260.00 on groceries, and couldnt bear to waste it. <br /><br />so then i decided to take my best friend on his invitation to discuss our europe trip and to have dinner together.... so we go over, and we purchase the items to make roman style chicken. we danced in the kitchen to french music, which i felt so pretty to.... and ate, and laughed and smiled, and i realized how bad i wanted this again...<br /><br />i planned to buy a new camera since i need one anyways to document what i eat... maybe that would help? or join a gym and get a personal trainer, in hopes that that would help.....<br /><br />none of that have i done. my discouragement has taken over. part of me wants to make exscuses and say 'well when my refridgerator is emptyed ill buy healthy stuff and be ok' or 'im taking my time to make sure i can get to the gym'<br /><br />but really im just hiding like i have my whole life. I feel super emo today because someone who has been hitting on me for the past two months non stop besically called me fatt, fatty, fatt ass all in the span of like 40 minutes. and what did i do?!?! a big fat nothing.<br /><br />i cried.<br /><br />so i have decided, that i am going to restart, but i am going to do it right. i am going to re-read things to know what my calorie intake should be, im going to get a working scale, and food measuring scale..... and god damn it i am atleast going to go down and talk to the gym membership people. i want to do this by tuesday. with all the other stuff dealing with passports that i have to do next week, its only sensible to set a goal before the real stress hitter week comes in.<br /><br />i even went through my closet this past week and found like 12 pairs of jeans i want to wear again. i have 2 that fit comfortably, that i dont feel like a god damn summer sausage being squeezed to death in. i want to wear my skinnier clothes!<br /><br />this is the hardest thing i have ever done, and i am not even really begining yet! im so dissapointed in myself for just teasing myself and just doing it for like 4 days then off 3 days then on again.<br /><br />smoking was easier than this. im lazy. thats what this boils down to, im lazy. i need to figure out if i want this bad enough to put in the effort. i guess its just hard with 3 other people NOT dieting or doing ANYTHING for their health to live in mine.<br /><br />i also found that night eating is my worst enemy. i get so fucking hungry for something sweet at night it makes me so fucking mad!. i feel it cxoming, and feel everything during.... but there is nothing to curb it. next thing i knew i had a small bowl full of homemade buttercream frosting in my hands.... ya know whats in that?! eggs...... other stuff..... 3 POUNDS OF REAL BUTTER!! i didnt eat more than a couple spoons, but still. eating veggies for snacks is grwatm if it would fill me up!<br /><br />ugh i need help.<br /><br />i want to feel full and to curb this ungodly nightly obsession with sweets....<br /><br />so emotionally broken and beaten, here i stand. fatter than ever. desperate for a change.<br /><br />someone once told me 'when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of changing, you will change' how bad does feeling like this hurt? am i ready?!<br /><br />can i really do this?Carriehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17678693006705437841noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5902695479404661585.post-66178496393652815992009-07-16T23:09:00.000-07:002009-07-16T23:44:35.090-07:00This is officially hard.<span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">This post is kind of an admittance to myself that this whole <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">beginning</span> to <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">weight loss</span> is really hard. I have a huge issue with late night eating, and I never really been able to tackle it. Today my diet was really awesome! I had 200 calories of rice <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">chex</span> cereal with 1% reduced fat milk, with an apple as a mid day snack. I then had a very large salad with a bunch of veggies, broccoli, cucumber, green beans, <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">Roma</span> tomato, just overall a bunch of good stuff, with carrots and a light <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">raspberry</span> <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">vinaigrette</span> dressing. for dinner, i had some more greens, with carrots and <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">broccoli</span> as a late snack. </span><br /><span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS;">I finally told my <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">roommates</span> that I needed them to kind of help me in my efforts and respect the fact that they should not make my favorite foods and eat them 6 inches from my face.</span><br /><span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS;">My boyfriend and I were not understanding each other and he didn't understand why this was so difficult for me, because I have quit smoking cold turkey for over a month now, and I quit cutting myself, which I did when I was a young teenager, and just over came a lot of junk in my life, so this was hard for him to understand. Once we got on the same page and he realised how much this meant to me things got better from there. He is actually supporting me and encouraging me now to spend the cash and get a gym membership.</span><br /><span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS;">I have decided I need to work on my diet. I am still not sure weather counting calories, or doing weight watchers points is the best options... if anyone has <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8">input</span> that would be great!</span>Carriehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17678693006705437841noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5902695479404661585.post-30431564903722958602009-07-15T22:50:00.000-07:002009-07-15T22:59:04.552-07:00Starting weight correction!<span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">So, I know I put that I am starting my diet at 330, but that is false. I have recently weighed myself and I am actually 312. </span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">I was 330 in the begining of June, and my boyfriend went into the hospital and had two surgeries, and I lived there with him for 9 days. I often did forget to eat and cry all the time, I almost lost him three times. So I am assuming I dropped some weight in the hospital with him, none the less, I am going to start at 312, and weigh in every sunday.</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">I also added another motivating factor to why I am doing this. This december, my boyfriend and I along with my best friend and his boyfriend as taking a trip to europe, and it has been my life long dream to go to paris. I have wanted this more than anything in my life, and I really want more than anything to be thinner than I am now, that way I can not be as self concious in paris as I am here.</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">I hate swimming, and I wear baggy t-shirts and jeans usually. Yeah sure I dress up occasionally, and when I want to feel girly wear nicer shirts... But then I see myself and I feel so.... gross. Like I did this to myself and there is nothign that can be done. I have overcome a lot in my life, and I want this to be one of the greatest things that I have overcome. I used to be a cutter, as in I used to self-harm, and last month it has been 4 years since I last hurt myself. Today has been one full month and ten days sincem y boyfriend and I have quit smoking.</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">I feel that I have been so strong when I felt so broken, that this should be no sweat... I am just a very critical person and get discouraged easily, I just want so bad for me not to fail this time...</span>Carriehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17678693006705437841noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5902695479404661585.post-3937969659091308112009-07-15T22:37:00.000-07:002009-07-15T22:50:23.185-07:00The past few days...<span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">So these past couple of days, I have been really focusing on trying to eat better and get up early in the morning to workout. I have been in love with this wii Active game. It has been such a great tool for me to use. two days ago, was the first day that I really hit it hard. I wanted to push myself as hard as I could, to kind of prove to myself that I could in fact do this. I did great! just two weeks ago when I tried the game at first, it was really hard, and I skipped atleast half of the exersises, this time I even ran! (In place mind you. but hey its still counts!)</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">As hard as it was, and as much as I pushed myself, I was more proud at the fact that I did it! I completed all the activities. in the past three days including today, I worked out twice (I skipped today because I am so sore) and finished all the exersises. It is so amazing to do them all, and know that yes, it was har,d but you did it! To put the icing on the cake, I had soooo much energy! I was like off the walls, I did dishes, laundry, floors, counters, organized things, it was amazing. I burned over 600 calories, but from the reviews I was reading online, the calories usually are double that you burn comparing to heart monitors and stuff, so that could be 1200 calories!</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Yesturday I went to lunch with Cole, my best friend, and I thought that no matter what I would be ok, get something light... Man that was difficult. I am still so new at this. I did pretty decent I got a grilled chicken wrap, and ate half thats it.</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Today I woke up super early and went to this amazing market in AZ. I got a cart full of fruits and veggies for $30! My mom and I went, havent spent time with her in a long time, and I told her about my goals to lose weight and better my life. She does support me she says... But she bought soooo much chocolate. She bought these french mints which I fell in love with when I was 6. I know she did not mean to completely throw that at me, but i ended up eating some. It was as if I was myself like two weeks ago, just piggin out not caring.</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">I am also very afraid I am going to get discouraged... I bought the biggest loser book and a special tips and tricks book, and a workout dvd by them, and plan that if my roomate is gone tomorrow then I will work out. (Lord knows I dont want to be doing it in front of him) Which is another reason why I feel that I should just get the money and spend it on a gym membership.</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">I was so motivated when I was at the gym. My personal trainer was amazing! and he pushed me and I lost 36 lbs. then he got a different job, and I felt... I guess like he gave up on me... no other trainer was the same, they gave in when I said I can't, he never did. So I gave up on myself...</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Hopefully this time would be better.</span>Carriehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17678693006705437841noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5902695479404661585.post-57476994101770281222009-07-12T22:37:00.000-07:002009-07-12T23:07:47.105-07:00Reasons to lose the weight!<span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">I want to remember the way this feels.... the way that every bit of this feels. I had the most unpleasant experience ever recently... I was selected to be a bridesmaid for a good friend whom I introduced her to her hubby, so I felt kind of obligated to do this.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">I did not know all that was involved with being a bridesmaid.... I mean come on I thought wooo a bridal party whoopty doo... boy was I wrong</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">I had never been more humiliated in my whole life. First dress shopping was madness, I was shopping with two girls that were size 2 and size 10. OH MY GOD! I was a tight 24. </span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">How mortifying! I had to drive two hours away to get my dress. I was so mortified already and it was not even close to the wedding.And then.... after getting dressed and going through with the wedding... a website was sent out with all the wedding pics posted, everyone and even people that didn't attend received this website, even people I was in high school with! and this is the picture that just made me re-think everything, and break down into tears...</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"></span><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjUeumMmN1D-8YPjjaRHQhM5iwJKThsYX-e7xg17oXX10Ge8klfXGFgpAuGjpRMwGi2tvwkKqkUHfQZAfClsMmA1C6t_ZfEH5eQoe1K99_01xCYLoBa6taVhkFwCtHf_hnmqaLJ5avLjbM/s1600-h/wedding+me+alone.jpg"><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5357821498935699602" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 212px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 320px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjUeumMmN1D-8YPjjaRHQhM5iwJKThsYX-e7xg17oXX10Ge8klfXGFgpAuGjpRMwGi2tvwkKqkUHfQZAfClsMmA1C6t_ZfEH5eQoe1K99_01xCYLoBa6taVhkFwCtHf_hnmqaLJ5avLjbM/s320/wedding+me+alone.jpg" border="0" /></span></a><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"><br /></span><div>there it is... thats me all of me. over 300 lbs. god how did i let myself get this fat?</div><br /><div><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"></span></div><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Since then... I have been so... down and so... I am not even sure how to describe it.. .I have never really seen myself as looking like that, a stuffed sausage basically... with spanx and everything!</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">I just.... I need to change.. I want to be healthy, I want to go to the gym, I want a healthier life style for myself. For a change I am tired of letting my laziness and my emotions eat the best of me....</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">It is my time to shine.<br /></span>Carriehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17678693006705437841noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5902695479404661585.post-14634443018455947512009-07-12T22:22:00.000-07:002009-07-12T22:37:09.872-07:00Here we go...<span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"><span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">OK</span> so this is my very first time doing something like this, and I am <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">soooo</span> nervous to do this.</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">I have been reading and reading online blogs for <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">sooo</span> long about weight loss, and weight watchers, and all the <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">inspirational</span> stories of people who just sat down, and did it.</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">I always wonder 'man I wish I could actually do that... I mean really do that, lose weight' well... now I am sick of wondering why me, WHY NOT ME?!</span><br /><span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS;">So my plan for the time being since I can not afford a gym just yet, I am going to watch what I eat for now, and I got a great new game called Active for the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">wii</span>, which is actually a very very good program... It was a bit <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">discouraging</span> the first time I played it, it was harder than anticipated.... I could not run AT ALL, and it starts with a run, to get your heart going... I think the more that I focus, and the harder I try and the more I make an effort to do these <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">things</span>, I think hopefully it will start paying off.</span><br /><span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS;">So to start with some goals for tomorrow I guess....</span><br /><span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS;">I am going to go swimming and do some laps in the pool tomorrow, and <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">definitely</span> play the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8">Wii</span> Active game tomorrow and try my hardest to get through a full workout. Hopefully to kind of spice up my <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_9">cardio</span> routine, or lack there of since I cant do anything, the pool will be my way to ease into my <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_10">weight loss</span>. Ugh I am so frustrated with how heavy I am... I am 20 years old and the fattest I have EVER been... </span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">I really am nervous about not having any support. As some of my friends are just 'comfortable' with being bigger girls... I am not comfortable anymore... each year the sizes go up, the less and less that I can do. Its so <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_11">embarrassing</span> not to be able to buy clothes off the rack, and when I do its at two specific stores and they are super expensive.</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">I guess I just....</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">I am so over it! I am tired of being lazy. That is the bottom line! I am for the first time in my entire life, really going to try this.</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">My reasons for losing weight</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">I want to shop at normal stores</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">I want to feel comfortable in my own skin</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">I want to know what it is like to jog, or run</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">I want to be able to go do things! active things!</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">I want to look beautiful on my wedding day</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">I want more than anything to play with my kids</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">I want to change my life for the better</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">So, since I got very pumped and decided to this right now, I don't actually have a scale yet... But I know I am <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_12">at least</span> 330 lbs. I have never even spoken my weight to anyone, I get sick when they weight me for the Dr. god it almost is a liberating experience.</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">So for my height which is 5 feet 11 inches, I should weight around 179, at the heaviest. so that is my goal... I guess my longer term goal, 151 lbs.... God I want it so bad I can almost taste it.</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">I should probably make a short term goal... well... I want to lose <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_13">at least</span> 15 lbs by my birthday, which is <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_14">September</span> 3rd.</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">I really hope to find some sort of support, and help along the way... Anyways this hopefully is the first of many of my weight loss journal entries.</span>Carriehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17678693006705437841noreply@blogger.com0