I am supposed to be happy right?

So over the past 12 days I said I was going to do a lot of things, I made great attempts but ultimately an EPIC FAIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My boyfriend keeps rescheduling our appointment to met with the gym, I knew I should have never gotten him involved in this, hes is just a big fat sabotager.

My best friends and I have been planning my 21st birthday party in Vegas, which I should be happy about right? NO. My best girlfriend Kayla just got engaged.... so now everything is not about my birthday, it is about her wedding. Within the first 24 hours, 24 HOURS!!!!! she had picked a date, started a guest list, has me as the maid of honor and has another bridesmaid so far, and has found a dress.

Now many of you are probably thinking "Wow that's great, less to do, she is being proactive" oh oh oh how you have been deceived. She is going to be the worst bridezilla ever. She has totally averted all of her attention onto her wedding, screw my birthday, its alllllll about her wedding. The dress she found, mind you she has ALWAYS wanted a NON fluffy dress, that is a halter top, and when she asked me, I told her I want a fluffy dress, with a corset lace up back, she thinks its ugly, the dress she picked out, IS THE EXACT DRESS I WANT, SHE SAID THREE MONTHS AGO LOOKED UGLY.

Not to mention the fact that I want to be super selfish because its my 21st birthday party, and I haven't ever really had a fantastic birthday party so yeah I want this one to be AMAZING. and it is turning out as a disaster.

I have to plan everything and anything for it, I had to book the hotel. EVERYONE wants to go.... no one wants to do the foot work with me.

God I am so pissed off. like beyond angry.

I guess I am hurt that my best friend is totally dedicating all her time to her wedding WHICH IS LIKE 479 DAYS AWAY, AND MY BIRTHDAY IS 14 DAYS AWAY!

Yes, 479 days away, she counted.... and has posted it on myspace and facebook as such: "14 days until Vegas, 479 days till my wedding!"

god I just want to move away without any of them and just start over.

I guess the only good thing is, is I have still stuck semi in the mind set of eating 3 meals a day, making veggies a big part, and have been looking for a system to write my calories down every day.

I feel like everything is an epic fail at this point, my boyfriend for being completely nonsupporting in EVERYTHING it seems like, God I have become so lazy (I started my homework for my class like tow hours before class and what do you know i wasn't done so his solution, well just write it this weekend and go next week) wow way to help out the procrastinator.

My best friend Kayla for being a controlling asshole bitch! excuse my language but It needed to be said. She is totally avoiding my birthday and plotting her wedding to an idiot who cant hold a job like ever. Ugh!

Myself because I am the damn loser who lets all these behaviors happen and I just sit there and take it. I cant even get in any one's face about paying me back the money for the hotel.

(although my anger just sparked me to tell Kayla I want her half by tomorrow, and her response that I can pick it up tonight)

GOD I AM SO TIRED OF THIS WAY OF LIFE.

I am surrounded by people who get excited for me and help me the first.... maybe week at the most, and then its "Oh lets pick something up real quick"- my mother, "God I am so hungry I really want some pizza, BUT I'M BEING GOOD" -My boyfriend.


I cook, I cooked for days pre portioning meals, freezing them etc......... IF and i do mean only IF I personally package both their lunches, they just don't eat until they come home.


I can def finitely see, that I am %100 in this by myself. and that is the most depressing part because I have been blogging for a monthish maybe more maybe less, and I have been dragging my feet hoping that I could have some sort of support at home to consciously push me to do this with someone else, that I would do this and be motivated and blog every day and it would be great....

But I can see that is never going to happen and that's what scares me,because for some damn reason I get lazy and can't do it alone. I want to more than ANYTHING, why can't I? Why can't I write my calories down, WHY can't I go to the gym by myself, WHY do I want someone else's help? why do I want someone else to be doing this with me.

Can I just stand in my closet and scream.

the only good thing that has happened this past week or 12 days... I interviewed for a law firm, and I really want to get it. we will see what happens.

Pure Fitness

Ok, so I am very pleased to announce that I am still doing great with food. I am making healthier meals, I even have cooked up a bunch to just thaw and go. I also researched some local gyms, and printed "try before you buy" temp passes, and to my surprise, my boyfriend Matt wanted to get a pass aswell, so we are going to get up early tomorrow and hopefully go down and try the gym out, take a tour, find prices, and actually see if we like that particular facility.

My birthday planning has been stressing me out so much! with the fact that Matt may not be able to go, he is frustrated because its my 21st birthday and I will be in vegas with my two best friends.

I plan on getting an acurate scale to weight in, because I am going to do this. I am not going to half ass this anymore.

Strides forward

I have been doing pretty well lately. I have been trying as much as possible to make healthier choices in food, and focusing on not letting my emotions control when I eat. I have even been planning healthier dinners for the others in my household whom agreed to try it for a couple weeks. This week I am going to the amazing fruit and veggie market and am going to try and find more green veggies to incoorporate into my meals. I love broccoli, but not much else... I can eat cucumber in salads or even to snack.... spinach I am not really sure about.... love peas.... cant do artichoke or asparagas, (never had them now that I think of it) But I know that green veggies when I do eat them seem to give me a jolt, so I want to keep eating the greens as much as possible. I have been looking into how many calories I should be eating also, but I know I have drastically cut what I have been eating down a lot.

This next month is going to be hectic, I have to move, YUCK, and school is getting rough.

But I do see that I am making small steps towards jumping the band wagon and getting going, which is a plus. I am excited because a lot of the junk food is out of my fridge, which means i can finally grab really good healthy things. I have noticed that whole wheat pasta fills you up SOOOO much faster than normal pastas I have been eating, and it tastes the same! I am having a bit of a rough time getting recipes together, but I guess that will come with time also.

now all i need to do is get a scale, which i think I am actually borrowing from a friend, and pick my weigh in day and start adding more time to being active!